Boxes and Tears

I remember the 8th September 2019 as one of the brightest days of my life, after three long months I submitted my final dissertation. During these long three months, I’ve worked so hard to complete my study and, even though I wasn’t satisfied with my work since I am a perfectionist with low self-esteem, I was glad at least to put an end to that torture. But just after submitting my dissertation I started to feel empty, I came with the realization that I had to pack and move back to my hometown. During my last three days in my flat, I started feeling like an outcast since I was the only one leaving I started purchasing my flatmates’ lives without my presence. Even though I was feeling excited about seeing my family and moving in a more relaxed environment a part of my mind was hating my choice. Therefore, in these days instead of enjoining my last days of freedom, I started to feel anxious and I solved it with closing myself in my room.
Packing all my stuff was also hurtful since my room was full of memories closing them in my bags was like putting an end to them. During these days I start realizing that everything was going to change and that maybe I wasn’t ready for all these changes. At that moment everything seemed important and even though I had to do a selection I couldn’t figure what to keep and what to trough. I wanted to bring all the memories with me and I was afraid to forget something important, and at the same time, I wanted to leave a sing of my presence in the house. In my mind leaving my toothbrush or my old shampoo was still like being in the flat. The night where I finished packing my room became unfamiliar, I couldn’t even stand being there, in fact, I even asked my flatmate to sleep with me since everything seemed to foreign.

At the same time during these three days, I decided to do the things that I enjoyed the most during that year, like a “family” dinner with my flatmates and a small tour of all my favourite places. During these moments I felt the happiest and to be honest I don’t have any regrets on how I’ve spent the last few years. Thinking about just 2 or 3 years ago I would have spent these days partying in clubs and drinking with my friends, but in this period I prefer calming and quiet activities since sometimes the routine is so chaotic that I do not have time to relax.

Unfortunately on the 11th, I had my flight, for the first time I was going back home with a heavy heart and a trunk full of luggage. It was a rainy day and my uber driver was driving so slow, in my mind I thought that it was a sign everything was telling me to stay, but in the end, I arrived at the airport. After sending away all ma luggage I called my parents for telling them that I was ready for boarding and that everything was going smoothly. At that time I bawled my eyes out realising that this experience was coming to end and that at that time I wasn’t neither a student or a worker. I was stuck in a “no-role” zone. I cried silently at my gate thinking about all the memories and my experiences, I kept crying even during my boarding, with all the hostesses worrying about me. But when I sat on my seat tired by all these emotions I fell asleep forgetting about my uncertain position.

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